some fun and some clarification.

my husband and I just returned from vacation! It was awesome.
we road tripped down the coast of CA, from San Francisco to San Diego.  I thought of calling some dear people on the way (Tiffany Valdez for one) but I'm sorry to say, we were in your area so short a time, and in order to honor my husband I kept things simple.  I'm sure you understand, but I just want you to know, if we passed a place you live, I wasn't ignoring your presence :). 

This was such a refreshing time for us.  We stopped in Santa Cruz and Santa Barbara and then San Diego, on our way back we went to Six Flags and stayed in Valencia for a couple nights due to a snow storm that shut down I-5.  There was snow covering Six Flags...I don't know when it last snowed in the LA area, but seriously, that was crazy!
There are lots of pics on Facebook if you want to see, I'm not sure how to upload them here.

Alright, so what's been going on in my emotional journey?
Well before I left for vacation I went to a group therapy meeting that my therapist recommended, she leads it and thought that I would enjoy the group dynamic. 
I did find my time to be pleasant, however I can't afford it right now (it's a six month commitment, every week, 75$/week, and if you miss one you still have to pay!).  I think this will be something I might want to do in the future, but for now, if I'm paying 75$ for your time, I don't want to hear about other people's issues, I want to discuss mine and get your direct feedback :). 

My relationships have moved from boiling to simmering.  The intensity of frustration that I was experiencing has settled into acceptance.  And it this point in my journey that I feel like I need to clarify something.

I am not writing here to defame anyone, or to indulge unforgiveness, or to stir up anger in other people, or even to pass blame (even though that sometimes is tempting). 

I am documenting my journey of healing in a raw and honest way because I think that's what walking with God from glory to glory is.  It's easier to say fluffy things, the things that make you look like you have it all together, that sound "mature" and "spiritual", all the while raging internally and wondering how you will ever become what you are convincing others you are. 

As I process my experiences and what they are revealing about me, I keep wishing I had a book of someone else's stories, the raw and honest truth of their frustrations, hurts, and hangups.  I long to be validated that someone out there hurt deep and achieved high.   I don't want my battle to forgive, to be whole, and to be relationally sound to be portrayed as something it just isn't.  It's rocky, ugly, messy, difficult and sometimes I sin. 

I am aiming to not sin in my anger.  I am aiming to be holy as He is holy.  I want to live a life worthy of the calling I have received. 
So I am walking in the light, working through my sin, my wounds, my brokeness. 

Who wants to be beautiful and perfect outwardly, yet inwardly full of dead mans bones?   (and if I know anything, I know that those dead bones don't stay inside for long, the stench of death comes out one way or another). 
The last thing I want for me is to be honored by man and unknown by God. 

I know that to change and be transformed means to address the heart issues, the mindsets, the very things that have been ingrained in us at a core level.   The only way this happens is through brutal honesty and daring confidence that the work of Jesus is enough.
Enough to cover my fraility.
Enough to cover my foolishness.
Enough to forge the way as I walk from glory to glory.

I heard through the grapevine today that someone thinks they know about the relationship I am discussing here, and they called the person they think this is about and told them I am blogging about them. 

WOW. 

Well, to whomever you are, I'm not blogging about anyone but me.  The relational issues I discuss here, happen to be occurring in one relationship today, but could be applied to several relationships I have seen play out.

I am just thankful that I am growing in my understanding and changing.  I am hopeful that these issues don't have to cycle and stick around forever, and I can say with sincerity, that although this relationship has been among the most difficult I have had to deal with, I am thankful for it.  God is truly changing me and sometimes it takes a little pain to see a difference. 

So there you have it folks! I would like to ask, that if you are going to read my honest thoughts, that you not use them against me to stir up drama with other people.  Instead, if you have some feedback, please just direct it towards me.

Thank you very much.

May we all grow in our Knowledge of God and our GOOD Lord Jesus Christ!

Love.
Meghan