One goal that I have in my journey towards emotional health is to thoroughly understand what it means to forgive someone when they have wronged you.
This feels like something I should already know. I've been a church goer for 17 years and a Christ follower for 9 years. So for almost a decade I have enjoyed the benefits of God's forgiveness towards me, yet when someone offends me, the practical working out of forgiveness seems to evade me.
Not on silly things of course. If someone cuts me off while I'm driving, I usually forget about it within a matter of seconds. Being canceled on last minute- like water on a ducks back. When my husbands insensitive, an apology and a kiss sends the offense into the sea of forgetfulness.
There is a fairly specific type of offense that my heart seems to strangle...it seems like I just can't let it go. If someone continues in their original offense, if they don't admit their fault and commit to change, then I struggle, fight, kick, and fail to forgive regardless.
You see, I was raised by a step mother who has a combination of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Part of the working out of her disorder is that she NEVER admitted fault. In the 18 years I knew her, she never apologized (this is not an exaggeration). FOR ANYTHING. If she left the stove on for a few hours, she would get mad at me or my dad for not noticing and turning it off for her. This is among the simplest examples of her lack of humility. Far worse things happened, and far more damaging experiences occurred with no resolution, no fault admitting, and only blame passing.
Through this, I developed a core value to always admit when I am wrong. To ALWAYS apologize when I offend or hurt someone else, and to apologize specifically, humbly, and forthrightly. There have been times where I have taken responsibility to a fault for relational problems. This is something I am working through today. But I find it admirable to seek to understand and to be willing to be proven wrong. I think this is better then to cross my arms and assert my rightness no matter what.
Sadly, some people do not have the emotional strength to specifically admit their faults and apologize. For whatever reason, probably something deep, there are people who prefer to dismissively make amends.
As I'm sure you would understand, THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY.
So, for the past 8 years, I haven't lived with my parents, and I worked for a ministry for 6 of those years. I didn't really experience this type of issue with anyone due to my circumstances. I would never have thought I had a problem with forgiveness, until, as our issues have a way of doing, a relationship came up where the other person was dismissive about their wrong doings.
I have struggled to hold down my unforgiveness. With a lack of closure to the hurt this person caused, I felt like I was smiling yet raging all at the same time. Trying to walk rightly before God and man, yet the whole time feeling frustrated at what had happened.
Obsessing, even day dreaming about when the person would realize and truly apologize.
Yet scripture has a way of dealing with us. And God is pretty clear about forgiveness. There aren't any conditions on the person being forgiven, only on the one forgiving. And the condition is, "forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13).
But how do you do that? How do you keep interacting with someone who has wronged you and hasn't given you an indication that they know they were wrong and are willing to change, and just forgive them anyway?
Well, I am making ground in this arena.
One thing I have learned is that forgiveness is one way, but reconciliation is two ways. Somehow, we can forgive someone regardless of their change. But, to reconcile and move forward in the relationship, they have to participate as well. Proper fellowship needs repentance and forgiveness. So I have learned, that I don't have to keep interacting with the person who has wronged me and not repented. I don't have to keep putting myself in a vulnerable position in order to have forgiven them.
A secret to forgiving the other person without their participation, is to stop thinking about the other person. Instead, learn to focus on your change.
Instead of being consumed with analyzing why they are the way they are, it is important to focus on your personal relationship with God and what it takes to walk with integrity before him. So, you do whatever that is, and forgiveness comes so much more naturally. How can you forgive and rehearse the wrong doings over and over? You can't.
When you stop, and you focus on love, and healing, and obedience, then the letting go and the "letting the other person off the hook" becomes natural.
It's natural, because it's Christ in you. And forgiveness and love is his nature.
But what if the person isnt someone you can just forget about. What If its not a person you can simply choose to forgive and then not think about anymore if they choose not to reconcile with you? People like your significant other, your parents, or other family.. You could choose to not interact with friends that show no sign of change, but how do you do this with the above people. Are you suggesting that the same action be taken with them? How would forgiveness be exercised in relationships that need to be functional?
ReplyDeleteWell, I would say boundaries are a good answer for that. People should be trusted (physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally) in correlation to thei character, not what social constructs say the relationship should be. My stepmom was a perfect example of this. I'd see her for holidays, my wedding, anytime I'd want to spend time with my dad. But I had to stay distant with selfdisclosure, emotional attachment, and my expectations of who she should be in my life. Those are the hardest relationships because your talking about the relationships that have the most opportunity for impact. I have a family member right now that I have to treat as an acquaintance. It sucks, but anything more is not healthy for me, unless this persons character grows.
ReplyDeleteDoes that make sense?
Every relationship is different, and boundaries are different for everyone. But if youre in a position where another person is causing unresolved pain and hardship in your life, I'd bet that healthy relational boundaries need to be established.
The only sure way to have healthy relationships is to be healthy yourself. So, if there is a person that is stunting your well being, regardless of how you are connected to them, something needs to change in that relationship to give you the space you need to grow.
ReplyDeleteThis is far easier said then done, hence my blog and my sometimes emotionally charged ramblings :)
I really like this, Meghan. Sometimes I feel exactly the same way. It's so hard at times to even accept "I'm sorry" if someone doesn't admit they are wrong. I think it's ugly at times the way I act in those types of situations, just really analyzing that person's faults and issues instead of, like you said, focusing on the areas I need to grow & letting love and forgiveness become natural. It's so great when we look at Jesus instead and God's forgiveness toward us.... love does become natural. But letting go of it is the hardest part. I feel like I have been experiencing some of this too.
ReplyDelete