SO....
On facebook today there was a firery discussion about Marriage v Singleness. When I say fiery, I really mean passionate. I think when it comes to following hard after Christ, things like whether to marry or remain single become hot topics, because our longing for marriage can seem so....biological... and earthly.
So, I have had many friends agonize over the prospect of "being called to singleness" and fight to have a heart willing to sacrifice anything for the glory of God. I have also wondered those things myself (while I was still single of course), and I remember feeling great depths of guilt over my desire to be married. I would question if it was competing with my genuine love for Christ and if maybe I wasn't in a relationship because I wanted one too bad...but if I could just "get satisfied in God" then a man would come. I think that in crying out for a single-hearted devotion to God, one will wrestle with these thoughts and questions, and I in no way look down on you if that is where you are. Square off with your thoughts and doubts and longings and search scripture and the deep places of God for answers.
However, with hindsight, I am realizing that some of my questions, fears and doubts were simply not warranted or in line with truth. I really think that a majority of them were just condemnation from Satan. One thing in particular is the idea that my desire for marriage was taking away from my love for God. Does being hungry take away from the sincerity of a fast? no. you get hungry when you don't eat. Biologically we are wired to want a mate, when we don't have one, we miss him/her. We feel the loss of not having a close and intimate relationship, because the very continuance of mankind is based on men and women coming together.
Second, I think it is condemnation that causes us to believe that we could earn a marriage partner. where did we get the idea that by eliminating our desire for a mate and attaining a certain place of spiritual maturity will provoke God to bring us someone? Is that how God gives gifts??? Does he look down and say to His son's and daughter's, "well if you work hard enough then I will meet your needs"? If this is the case, how mature do we have to be to get a husband/wife? Is there a clear answer? I think if God is commanding something of us, he makes it clear. It's not this ambiguous goal we have to attain, and then if we fall short we are just lost in the mix. God gave us His Spirit to lead and guide us....He leads us in paths of righteousness of His name sake!
Anyways, all this thought was stirred up by a facebook post from a friend, who I don't think is wrestling with this condemnation. She is extremely confident and full of faith in the goodness of God. She stated that she would rather die single then settle. So many comments followed (which is kind of hilarious if you think about it....what a great way to get people's projections going. Post something slightly controversial as your FB status, and passion points are hit all over the map). My passion point was hit, and all that I have said today really has nothing to do with my friend or where she is at, but more just my thoughts and experiences with the topic.
here was my reply to her status. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
I like your passion! I am pretty confident that you won't die single though. Sometimes we feel like we have grit our teeth and make sure we don't step outside of what God has for us. But desire is just as much given by God as will power. And when our desire for him is the the governing principle of our hearts, our other desires bear the fruit of His influence. Marriage, unlike any other relationship on planet earth, reflects the glory of God. "Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a good wife is from the Lord" (Proverbs 19:4). Our Father is tending to you and maturing you and preparing in you the greatest blessing that some son of His as ever received. I do believe that singleness is a gift. However, just as prophets don't have to fake it to prophesy and intercessors don't have to fake it to intercede, those called to singleness do not have to fake it. It's in them. It is in you to join a man and to be a strength to him. You are called to marriage (can I be so bold and just say that?). And you don't have to "grin and bear singleness" or clench your fists as you pass by all the men that don't quite measure up. You can simply rest in knowing that you're Father knows what you need, and as you ask for good things He will give you more than you could even imagine.
I look forward to the day that God gives your hand to another, you two will be such an example of His goodness and glory, a healing presence in a broken world.
Life is better together.
Okay so I just read the rest of the comments, and I wanted to say one more thing...
First- I like your perspective, confident hope that God will bring the right man, confident faith that if He doesn't you will be satisfied, confident zeal that you won't waste time but live in light of eternity!
Second- I really think that marriage is something to long for, just like we long to increase in our spiritual giftings. I don't think that desiring marriage has to be a distraction (as long as we are governed by our longing for God). I realize that earthly relationships are fading away, just like all other things...but earthly relationships are uniquely the only thing on earth that reflects our depth with God.
For example:
Matthew 25:31-46 - what you have done to the least of these you have done unto me
John 13:35- They will know you are my disciples if you love one another
Matthew 22:36-40- the greatest commandments
1 John 4:12- no one has seen God, but if we love one another His love is made complete in us.
Ephesians 5:31-33- Marriage is the prophetic picture of Christ's relationship to the church
Scripture is very clear that earthly relationships are VERY important, and in my understanding, the CLEAREST depiction of just how spiritual we are.
Marriage is not given to all, but is a great spiritual aspiration, and a beautiful thing to be desired. :)
If you took the time to read this...please comment below! what are your thoughts about marriage and singleness and how they fit into God's great plan for us humans and the world we live in!
Love. Meghan
Clicked on your blog while I should be getting ready for work :), but I love love love this post! It is both an encouragement and a gentle reminder that we could never know the depths of our own hearts as well as our creator does. And that "grinning and bearing it" regardless of the situation is not the Lord's desire for us, but instead to thrive and grow regardless a time of trial or rejoicing. Love you Meghan!
ReplyDeleteMeghan,
ReplyDeletei agree with a lot you say. i think i had the healthiest prospective on singleness, and my singleness in particular, after i got married. i saw the power in my desire for marriage/partnership and how the Lord used it for my good and as a catalyst to draw me nearer to Him. "killing" off that desire, if that was even possible, seems like such a silly concept now - as it was such a beautiful tool with the Lord.
i also have a lot of thoughts on what "settling" means... for awhile, especially while at teen mania, i had some pretty strange concepts of what equated to a godly, desirable husband. i put so much weight on who the man was in his ministry role, rather than who the man was in his day to day. after you're married you learn a great man is found in the mundane... the shopping trips to target, the messy house, the crying baby, the family crisis, the budgeting, etc. it's the man who is teachable and aims for selflessness, openness, and holiness. who strives to put others before himself and remain tender before the Lord.
and above all, though singleness was glorious, marriage has been the greatest tool of sanctification. oh how holy we can think we are when we only interact with various people a couple hours a day! oh how wretched we learn we are while one person watches us every moment of every day. i am so much more aware of my need for God.
some of that may not even relate to the main point of your post - but it's some stuff i've learned.
thanks for writing meghan!
tiffany
Oh tiff
ReplyDeleteI love your thoughts !!! And seriously I can relate! I recently had someone ask me why I didn't marry someone more "ministry oriented". I thought, what do you mean? Why didn't I marry the next John Bevere or Bill Johnson or Ron Luce? I wasn't really offended because I know a question like that comes from a lack of experience and I would have thought the same thing five years ago. But I am so glad I married a man who's internal life is an effective and powerful ministry before God. That to me is far more important than giftings for public speaking and popularity. :)
I love what you said about the day to day.
My sentiments exactly!
Love your input!!!!!
wow meghan thanks for being as wise as elisabeth elliott and as fresh as, well, yourself. i am so encouraged by the truth in your words. and haha tiffany, you are so right about the holiness thing :)
ReplyDeletelove,
helen
MEGHAN!!!! So needed to hear this!! Came so timely for me too!!! I love what you said about being hungry during a fast doesn't take away from the sincerity of it...same as desiring marriage...AND the point about not faking being called to singleness just like prophets don't have to fake it to prophesy...however you worded that! Storing these awesome points up to keep reminding myself and to share with other single ladies...was especially struggling when I so humbly recently spent the past 2 weeks with an amazing single 35 yr beautiful chinese lady...on a missions trip from China here to South Africa with Impact Africa (AMAZING story!!) Anyways...being a Christian lady in China especially at 35...its interesting because I thought its tough to find someone...there even more impossible...so I was just challenged by her sincere contentment ect...but the other extreme was just more hopelessness to my seemingly hopeless situation...so I just really needed to hear this!!
ReplyDeleteMeghan! I think this was a great blog post and I'm thankful my dear friend, Emma Schneider shared it on her fb wall. I would say that I AGREE with your friend, I'd rather DIE single than settle! I may borrow that for a future fb status ;) Umm, I recently wrote on my fb status and I quote, "Chivalry without integrity is a waste of energy." #NoSettlingAllowed
ReplyDeleteI think it's easy in the day and age that we live in to become forgettable which ultimately equates to being comfortable. Although, no one is flawless and we shouldn't expect someone without flaws.. settling should never be an option. Also, I loved what you said about singleness.. I've been guilty of doing the whole 'lay my desire for marriage at the altar' and now I realized even more so thru reading your post -- how SILLY that was! Yes, God should be my number one focus but it's all in balance. How did you come to this place or understanding?
Loved your post, I may share it on my fb wall!
Thanks!
Melodee Forbes
Hey Melodee,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear from you and thanks so much for your feedback! I hope all is well with you!
So you asked me how I came to understand this...and I think it was through understanding what God says about marriage in scripture. It is interesting that we can spend so much time in 1 Cor. 7 thinking about the glories of singleness...when that is literally one of the only passages in the entire bible that touches on the subject! Why would that one passage be the defining point for us on this topic when it is in the context of so many scriptures about marriage? In Ephesians Paul quotes what might be the first prophesy of scripture, Genesis 2:24, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Then Paul goes onto explain what this means, "31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church." WOW. that is such a power packed statement. Marriage is about Christ and the church! God, throughout the entire bible is putting his image on the earth through humanity (Adam and Eve, Noah and his family, Abraham, the Israelite, Christ, the church etc). God has been incarnating himself throughout all of mankind! What an incredibly intimate and revealing God we serve who makes himself known. And now we see, through the instructions of Paul, that one of the ways God makes himself known on the earth is through marriage! Now of course some marriages reflect him more than others, but that just depends on whether or not the couple has embraced God's plans and purposes for their lives or not. Even still, the marriage covenant, the entire process of choosing love, reflects God's extreme love for the church and His desire to give His son a bride!
So...I have to ask myself, why should I feel guilty about wanting to image God on earth? Marriage is the ONLY human relationship God compares Christ's interaction with the church to. I think...that our immense longing for a life long mate was knit in us by the hands of God so that we would image him on earth. I think that all of those desires that well in us from puberty onward (and even before hand when it comes to desiring to be a princess swept away by a prince) are the very plan of God to work out his plan of making himself known. So why all the guilt and shame??? Wouldn't the enemy love to pollute one of the most beautiful gifts God has for us? Wouldn't the enemy love to ravage such a perfect image of God on the earth??? YES. And he does it through a variety of temptations and deceptions: divorce, extramarital affairs, premarital sex, distorted sexual longings, and sexual/emotional shaming of the single person. I have seen countless single people distracted by the potential of sin in this area and missing the opportunities for potential romance around them. It is so sad that we get so frozen in our fear of messing up and "loosing God's favor" (which was won for us at the cross, is there some potential action that we can commit to void out the work on the cross???) and which is preserved for us by the active work of the Holy Spirit in our lives, so that win we sin we have the light of God to lead us back into righteousness and one that Advocates for us (1 John 1).
Therefore, I think we can ask God eagerly and wait with eager expectation for the one He has for us. Just as we wait with eager expectation for the return of Christ. (our expectation and excitement for this is a pale reflection of the spiritual reality it mirrors :).
Maybe these thoughts are a book in the making. Hmmmmm....
Thanks for asking and feel free to share your additional ideas/questions!
Much Love.
Meghan
These are great thoughts! You are a fantastic writer!
ReplyDelete