So I promised my thoughts on Attachment, how it relates to our relationship with God and how it relates to our responses to stress and sufferings in life.
My notes are so long, so I have procrastinated in posting here (I think I have like 10 pages that I spoke from).
I decided this morning that I would post exerpts from my favorite/pertinent parts...remember this is directly from my speaking notes, so...it may feel a little jumbled/hard to follow, but I hope you are blessed regardless, here they are:
Introduction
*explain that I am using suffering and distress interchangeably, suffering not being “torture” or martyrdom, but just the daily sufferings we might face (ie disappointment, strained relationships, loss of job, loss of hope etc).
I want to address the underlying issues that may be driving your views and responses to difficult times in your life.
*explain that I am using suffering and distress interchangeably, suffering not being “torture” or martyrdom, but just the daily sufferings we might face (ie disappointment, strained relationships, loss of job, loss of hope etc).
I want to address the underlying issues that may be driving your views and responses to difficult times in your life.
I. Every human is born with innate, primary, unchanging emotional needs.
A. Needs V. Wants
Simply put the way we can tell the difference between a need in our lives and a want in our lives is:
Unmet wants don’t harm us.
Unmet needs, on the contrary, affects the quality of our lives, our very ability to live.
Simply put the way we can tell the difference between a need in our lives and a want in our lives is:
Unmet wants don’t harm us.
Unmet needs, on the contrary, affects the quality of our lives, our very ability to live.
Emotional Needs:
Emotional needs and wants are more difficult to delineate than Physical needs and wants. It’s interesting…physically we are much more likely to confuse our wants as needs, (ie- I have to have those jeans)…emotionally we are much more likely to confuse our needs as wants (i.e I don’t need anyone, I can do it all by myself).
Because emotional/psychological needs are invisible, they are much more covert. We often think that we can just shut them off, that our emotional needs are silly, or unreasonable…yet if left unmet, our quality of life is adversely affected and our ability to live is handicapped.
You can’t ignore your emotional needs without it effecting your life.
Emotional needs and wants are more difficult to delineate than Physical needs and wants. It’s interesting…physically we are much more likely to confuse our wants as needs, (ie- I have to have those jeans)…emotionally we are much more likely to confuse our needs as wants (i.e I don’t need anyone, I can do it all by myself).
Because emotional/psychological needs are invisible, they are much more covert. We often think that we can just shut them off, that our emotional needs are silly, or unreasonable…yet if left unmet, our quality of life is adversely affected and our ability to live is handicapped.
You can’t ignore your emotional needs without it effecting your life.
B. Your emotional needs are important- we live our entire life from our hearts.
Proverbs 4:23- Guard your heart for it is the well spring of life.
From my study, heart here refers to the deepest places of a human, the “inner man”. Emotional needs are in that place.Your entire life springs from here. Your relationships, your actions, your reactions, the all spring from the heart.
Jesus explained this differently, when he says that it’s not what goes into the body that makes you sin, but what comes out of your heart.
Matthew 15:17
. 17 "Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? 18 But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean.' "
-here Jesus challenges us, not to just try to reform our actions, but to address our hearts, the deepest places of us, because as the Proverbs tell us, all of our life flows from our hearts.
II. Attachment Theory
Proverbs 4:23- Guard your heart for it is the well spring of life.
From my study, heart here refers to the deepest places of a human, the “inner man”. Emotional needs are in that place.Your entire life springs from here. Your relationships, your actions, your reactions, the all spring from the heart.
Jesus explained this differently, when he says that it’s not what goes into the body that makes you sin, but what comes out of your heart.
Matthew 15:17
. 17 "Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? 18 But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean.' "
-here Jesus challenges us, not to just try to reform our actions, but to address our hearts, the deepest places of us, because as the Proverbs tell us, all of our life flows from our hearts.
II. Attachment Theory
A. There are two primary emotional needs we have from birth
-Identity: we all have a need, from birth, to be loved and valued. Everyone one of us needs to have a personal sense of worth and part of that is we need to know that we are capable of achievement.
*Think about people who do not feel loved, valuable, or like they can do anything well…this severely and adversely affects the quality of their life.
-Interdependence: we all also have a need to have a confidence that others are able and willing to help us in our time of need.
*Think about people that feel that no one is trustworthy, that no one is dependable, that others are not able or willing to come alongside them…this severely and adversely affects the quality of their life.
*Think about people who do not feel loved, valuable, or like they can do anything well…this severely and adversely affects the quality of their life.
-Interdependence: we all also have a need to have a confidence that others are able and willing to help us in our time of need.
*Think about people that feel that no one is trustworthy, that no one is dependable, that others are not able or willing to come alongside them…this severely and adversely affects the quality of their life.
B. Interestingly, the Process of meeting these needs is DISTRESS.
-Attachment theory explains that the first four years of life are huge for developing a foundation of how we understand ourselves and the world around us.
-it makes sense, children are 100% dependent, infants can’t do a single thing for themselves. Therefore, how they are interacted with deeply impacts them.
-during the first four years of life, a person’s world revolves around their interactions with their primary care givers-usually their parents. And by God’s design, our parents are our first contact with life, what life is all about how we fit into the world.
-Attachment theory explains that the first four years of life are huge for developing a foundation of how we understand ourselves and the world around us.
-it makes sense, children are 100% dependent, infants can’t do a single thing for themselves. Therefore, how they are interacted with deeply impacts them.
-during the first four years of life, a person’s world revolves around their interactions with their primary care givers-usually their parents. And by God’s design, our parents are our first contact with life, what life is all about how we fit into the world.
The way we learn these things initially is through our needs, our distress.
On the outside this is what is happening:
babies cry because they are hungry, or wet, or poopy, or tired…And parents respond to them with love, affection, care, and attention.
on the inside other things are happening:
Both the babies Identity and Interdependence are being addressed.
-you see, when a parent responds to baby’s cries, the baby learns they are worthy of being cared for, that they are loved, and that their efforts yield returns.
The baby also learns things about others, that others are trustworthy, and dependable, and able and willing to help them.
4 Life Questions have been written on our Human DNA, every living person is at the core asking these questions, and we have been asking them since we were born:
1. Am I worthy of being loved?
2. Am I able to get the love I need?
3. Are others reliable and trustworthy?
4. Are others accessible and willing to respond when I need them?
-you see, when a parent responds to baby’s cries, the baby learns they are worthy of being cared for, that they are loved, and that their efforts yield returns.
The baby also learns things about others, that others are trustworthy, and dependable, and able and willing to help them.
4 Life Questions have been written on our Human DNA, every living person is at the core asking these questions, and we have been asking them since we were born:
1. Am I worthy of being loved?
2. Am I able to get the love I need?
3. Are others reliable and trustworthy?
4. Are others accessible and willing to respond when I need them?
The answers to these questions are reinforced as a baby grows older and develops through childhood, adolescence and becomes an adult.
III. Roman’s 1- what has been created reflects the Glory of God
Romans 1:19-20 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
Romans 1:19-20 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
What does attachment theory reveal about the nature of God?
1. God has a purpose for all of our distresses and sufferings:
A) Suffering sanctifies us into our God ordained Identity
James 1:2-4
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
1. God has a purpose for all of our distresses and sufferings:
A) Suffering sanctifies us into our God ordained Identity
James 1:2-4
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Isaiah 48:10
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
Romans 5:1-3
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
B) Suffering develops our dependence on God
We see this all throughout scripture, the Israelites always returned to God in their suffering, David, Joseph, Paul, the early church
The NT is riddled with scripture concerning suffering for the sake of the gospel and suffering in waiting for the return of Christ. The hardships these people endured left them with nothing of value outside of their relationship with Christ. A deep dependence on their relationship with God was forged in suffering.
Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
Romans 5:1-3
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
B) Suffering develops our dependence on God
We see this all throughout scripture, the Israelites always returned to God in their suffering, David, Joseph, Paul, the early church
The NT is riddled with scripture concerning suffering for the sake of the gospel and suffering in waiting for the return of Christ. The hardships these people endured left them with nothing of value outside of their relationship with Christ. A deep dependence on their relationship with God was forged in suffering.
Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 88:15-16
15 so pursue them with your tempest
and terrify them with your storm.
16 Cover their faces with shame, LORD,
so that they will seek your name.
2 Corinthians 12:7
7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
15 so pursue them with your tempest
and terrify them with your storm.
16 Cover their faces with shame, LORD,
so that they will seek your name.
2 Corinthians 12:7
7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2. God’s goal in all of life is cultivate a profound and deep Intimacy with His people- we were created for a God Attachment.
I believe that God actually organized the family to be a bridge into our relationship with him. If done well, family really prepares children to have a deep and satisfying relationship with God. If done well, a child learns in their family how to develop a healthy attachment relationship. The child develops enough identity and interdependence that when they begin to interact with God, it is natural to receive value and love from Him and its natural to depend on him, to believe that he is available and willing to respond to us.
I believe that God actually organized the family to be a bridge into our relationship with him. If done well, family really prepares children to have a deep and satisfying relationship with God. If done well, a child learns in their family how to develop a healthy attachment relationship. The child develops enough identity and interdependence that when they begin to interact with God, it is natural to receive value and love from Him and its natural to depend on him, to believe that he is available and willing to respond to us.
Sadly, something like 85% of American families are considered “dysfunctional”.
It is likely that many of us, if were to answer the four primary questions, would have less than favorable responses.
For a good majority of us, our bridge between our family life and our relationship with God was not built well.
As a result, we carry a lot of baggage with us into our relationship with God.
It is likely that many of us, if were to answer the four primary questions, would have less than favorable responses.
For a good majority of us, our bridge between our family life and our relationship with God was not built well.
As a result, we carry a lot of baggage with us into our relationship with God.
This baggage impacts how we live, act and feel. It Impacts our response to suffering, and ultimately our intimacy with Christ.
IV. Attachment Styles/God Attachment
IV. Attachment Styles/God Attachment
A. Ambivalant: Heart Cry: Don’t Abandon Me!
Answers the Identity questions negatively, but the Interdependence questions positively.
Perhaps for you, relationships have worked well when you have worked hard to please the other person. You have found that understanding others needs and putting them first, or above your own, has provided for you the friendships, approval, and love that you have always longed for. As an adult you have learned to avoid confrontations and stressful conversations with others; when free from strife, relationships have been a steady source of affirmation for you. Although this way of relating keeps rejection and criticism out of your relationships, you give up a great deal to maintain this level of compliance. Relationships in these circumstances have a false sense of intimacy; your life may be filled with relationships yet you still feel alone. In trying to always accommodate others, you lose your sense of who you are and what you want and need. When caring for others needs takes precedence over self care, we become exhausted, we feel used, and we lack authenticity.
Perhaps for you, relationships have worked well when you have worked hard to please the other person. You have found that understanding others needs and putting them first, or above your own, has provided for you the friendships, approval, and love that you have always longed for. As an adult you have learned to avoid confrontations and stressful conversations with others; when free from strife, relationships have been a steady source of affirmation for you. Although this way of relating keeps rejection and criticism out of your relationships, you give up a great deal to maintain this level of compliance. Relationships in these circumstances have a false sense of intimacy; your life may be filled with relationships yet you still feel alone. In trying to always accommodate others, you lose your sense of who you are and what you want and need. When caring for others needs takes precedence over self care, we become exhausted, we feel used, and we lack authenticity.
B. Avoidant: Heart Cry: I don’t Need You!
Answers the Identity questions positively, but the Interdependence questions negatively.
Answers the Identity questions positively, but the Interdependence questions negatively.
Maybe you have found that others are not very trustworthy. Perhaps when you needed them most, others have failed to come through for you, or even worse, hurt you when you were most vulnerable. Rather than dwell on all the difficult things that have happened to you, maybe you have found it to be more productive for you to take control and depend on yourself. Now that you are an adult, when you are put in a position where you have to work with others, you are the one in control; you are competitive and strive to be the best. You use your strength to ensure that your position of power is not given away to another person who would likely fail to “do it right”. Although this pattern of relating works well for specific relationships, when applied to all relationships you pay a definite price. If no one can be depended on and others are untrustworthy, then you will miss out on the benefits of intimate friendships and romance. The day to day stressors of life and work are all shouldered by you alone and can become more than one person can bear. The detriment of not having others to share your life with can produce anxiety, depression, stress, and loneliness.
C. Disorganized: Heart Cry: I don’t Want you, but please don’t leave me!
Answers all the questions negatively.
Maybe relationships have been extremely harmful for you in the past. People have been so unsafe that it has worked best for you to keep your distance. Confusingly, while you knew that you didn’t want to allow people to be too close to you, you were fearful they would reject or abandon you. Now that you are grown relationships are a source of frustration. You likely feel caught between not wanting to develop closeness and not wanting others to push you away. You feel like something is wrong with you as a person and you may be convinced that no one else could want someone like you; after all, you don’t even want to be someone like you. You have found that the best way to deal with these problems is to be self sufficient. As long as you don’t need others, you don’t really have a problem. So you do everything for yourself, even when others would ask for help. Although on the surface you have been able to avoid the disappointments of others not coming through for you and the potential rejection others could respond to you with, you have also avoided the intimacy, support, love and acceptance you have always longed for.
D. Secure: Heart Cry- These hearts are satisfied and do not have a cry.
Answers all the questions positively.
Answers all the questions positively.
Some people have experienced relationships to be a helpful and a valuable part of their life experiences. When they needed someone, they had someone that was able and willing to help them. They felt loved and enjoyed and when hurtful experiences came they were guided through their pain and able to come out whole on the other end of their experience. As adults these people at times see the necessity of avoiding a relationship, or relying on others, or taking control of the situation, but they are able to decide what strategy to use based on the relationship or experience. If you are here, you trust people who are trustworthy and you have a confident sense that others will love and accept you.
I. Challenge
Take some time to reflect on and answer the following questions:
1. How do I respond to suffering or distress?
2. What are my anwers to the “4 primary questions”?
3. What has my “attachment style” been with my parents?
4. How does my “attachment style” impact my relationship with God?
This weekend I am continuing this series and talking about how to develop a secure attachment style when you have not had one, and how if we are not building attachment we are meeting our needs with addiction.
As I have time I will post those notes next.
Love you all!
Meghan
Yay! I am so happy you're still blogging! :)
ReplyDeleteJennifer