Projection

I just got back from therapy.  I love having an objective, not emotionally tied to my life, person to get insight from.   Thank you Jesus for bringing the right people into my life when I need them.

So...therapy topic for today... the relationship failing I talked about in my first blog entry.

We all wonder from time to time, why do I do the things I do?  Why does 'that' bother me so much? Why can't I let 'this' go?
There are answers to those questions.  You are the way you are because of years of learning and practice.  I came into therapy today with a mission, what is it in me that makes this relationship so INCREDIBLY INFURIATING?! 

Today I shared the story of my relational falling out from a few weeks ago.  I explained the relationships history and the way I was feeling.  I also shared the insight I have discovered during the past few weeks of praying and analyzing the situation. 

My therapist pointed out two important things. 
(1) I am projecting my relational desires onto this other person.  I am assuming that the level of honesty and emotional intimacy that I prefer in relationships is the same in those I want to have a relationship with.  Therefore, when they don't respond with an equal level of transparency and vigor for developing the friendship, I am disappointed.  I feel angry and resentful because my relational preferences are not being met. 
(2) There are all kinds of people in this world, some are like me (birds of my feather) and some are not.  One is not better than the other, one is not right and neither is the other wrong.  In relationships, we must, at the base level, allow others to share who they are and accept them for that.  

A bit of wisdom that I am learning to apply right now is when someone tells you who they are (either by their actions or words) believe them.  This relationship would have gone a lot better if I would have believed that the emotional distance with which this person carries on their relationships is the distance they are comfortable with.  Instead, I tried to develop a "closer" friendship with them by the tactics I use to develop closer friendships. 
Honesty, transparency, and loyalty are the core values of my relational style. 
Boy, those things can be threatening to someone who does not share those values. 

So what now? 

Now I am working on accepting and loving people who see life and relationships differently then me.  I am letting go of my magical thinking that all of my relationships will evolve and deepen to the same place.  I am choosing to pursue relationships with "birds of my feather" rather than work on something, that doesn't need work. 
This other person, is who they are.  And they will have friendships and relationships the way they do.  That's not something to be worked through- :) 

It's funny how egotistical us little humans can be.  We project our reality onto everyone we come into contact with.  It takes mental work to develop the assumption that others are as complex as we ourselves are. 

How beautiful and magnificent God is!  He is the most intricate of all. 
God I want to know you and I want to be a better friend to those that populate this world with me. 

Love.
Meghan